Not what I thought I would do.

When I was a little girl, I would sit on the front porch and daydream about what it was going to be like to be grown up. I would sit there for hours and think about the places I wanted to visit and the people I would meet. I even thought about the type of work I would do. I knew at a very young age that I would be a school teacher. I just knew being an adult was going to be so cool and it had to be way better than being a kid. I laugh about it now, because here I am at 45 thinking about how fun it was to be a kid.

For those of you who do not know, I spent 16 years in an air conditioned classroom. I taught. Most years, I would say, I was good at it. I loved working with kids. During this time, I worked with hundreds of children and prayed that I would do a good job. Kids would come and go every year and I would wonder if I had really made a difference. The invention of social media brought many of these kids back in to my life. It is always nice to get random messages from them telling me they were thinking of me and how much they enjoyed my class. I made a difference.

Leaving the classroom was very difficult for me. I had never even considered doing anything else. It was all I had known for a majority of my adult life. When I volunteered to work for my friend in December of 2014, I did it because she needed help. I had no intention of doing it long term. She needed help with the behind the scenes part of her job. You know, the kind of "paperwork" type things that have to be done, keeping up with dates, making lists...the things I really didn't like about school teaching, but I was good at it because it had to be done. I just never saw myself as a fitness trainer's assistant. I have laughed more than once at the fact that I work in the fitness industry.

I have had to overcome so many obstacles along the way. The biggest being the way I look at myself. I really struggle to see myself the way others see me. I know I have changed a great deal in the short time I have been doing this job, but because of my experiences I still sometimes see myself as an almost 400 pound woman. This is something that I pray about on a regular basis. Not only that, but there are people in my life who remind me regularly that I am not that person anymore.

I would be the first person to encourage someone to not give up. I would tell someone else to focus on the small successes they are seeing at camp...you know, things like running 3/4 of the warmup lap with out stopping or moving from 5 lb weights up to 8s. I will tell someone else to stay out of their head and keep pushing. I know what I am supposed to do and it is easy to encourage others to do these things. Truth is, this get fit thing is really hard for me. I have tried hard to surround myself with positive people who will encourage me and, if need be, show me tough love. I have learned a lot about myself and who I can trust since starting this fitness journey in 2014. There are people who I no longer allow close to me because they made it clear that I could not trust them. There are people who have become like family to me, people I trust with my life, who have shown that they are invested in me and can be trusted.

I have spent a good bit of time trying to get my body to cooperate with me. I'll get hurt at camp and then have to allow my body to heal. I have been seeing a doctor for these issues and after being down with a bad shoulder for 1 1/2 years, I was finally able to bear crawl again. It felt good!

It is not going to be easy everyday, but I have to continue to set small, short term goals and strive to meet them. I have to continue to be transparent about this journey and allow myself to feel the emotion associated with it. I must continue to give God the glory for the changes in my life. I have to keep making progress because there is another person in this world who needs to see that anyone can do this. I will not quit. I will become the person Bethany says she can see.

Be blessed!

How many hours?

Two and a half years is a long time to stick with something...at least it is for me (unless we are talking about a job, of course). One hundred ninety-nine hours as of today, tomorrow will make 200. For those of you who are on the journey with me, you may have already figured out that I am talking about checking in at camp to work out. I started this journey two and a half years ago and I am just now getting checkin number 200. I never thought my body would make it through that many workouts. To be honest, it sometimes didn't, but I always tried.

So, why is this significant enough for me to blog about it? Some of you may think 200 workouts is not a big deal, especially in 2.5 years. I am okay with people thinking that because this process is easy for them. This journey has been one of the most difficult things I have ever tried to do. I have wanted to quit more times than I can remember. I have been frustrated and discouraged many times. All of this is really okay. As Destiny would remind me, I am allowed to feel my feelings. Just because I feel it, doesn't mean someone will agree with me. The thing that is significant is I have not quit.

During my 2.5 years, I have encountered hundreds of people. I have had to branch out and try new trainers (this is still very hard for me). I have had to trust people and let them get close enough to me to speak truth over my life. I have had to make myself vulnerable and I have had to be transparent about the process. A few times, I have cried and I have even puked.

I realized today, I have done something that the old me would have considered impossible. I would have laughed in your face if you would have told me I was going to spend 200 hours exercising. Two hundred hours seems like a really long time. It is 8.33333333 days. That is time I have invested in myself. Better than that, it is time that other people have invested in me. This journey, has been interesting.

Most of my 200 hours have been with the same trainer, but not all of them. I think about the first conversation I had with Bethany that was not related to my son being in her class and think how different my life would be if it had not happened. I think about everything that happened between the day I met her (August 5, 2013) and the day we talked (January 14, 2014). I think about the first workout and how intimidating it was to walk up to a group of people I did not know (I weighed well over 300 pounds). I remember crying all the way home. I remember the conversation I had with Bethany the next day at work. Her words that day flipped a switch in my brain that has improved the quality of my life. Her passion for fitness and her love for people saved me!

Has this been easy? Uh, no! Is it about me? It probably should be 100% about me, but it is not. It is about people who are like I used to be. People who need someone to believe in then so strongly that the chains holding them break and set them free. It is about every person who has ever thought they didn't measure up. It is for people who do not like who they see in the mirror. It's also for the people who have invested their lives in the fitness industry. Those trainers who see past the exterior and see the athlete hiding inside. I will continue this journey...one check in at a time. I will invest in myself so that my life and my journey impacts as many people as possible. And while we are talking about the number 200, that is what I want to lose...in 2008, I weighed nearly 400 pounds. We will say 385 (that is the last weight I remember). I want to push until I weigh 185. I have 83 pounds to go.

You are capable of great things, you just have to get up and do them! Be blessed and be kind.

That makes me MAD!

This journey has been full of ups and downs. I guess that is just how life goes sometimes. When I started this whole get fit thing, I thought that I would meet my goals faster than it is happening. It seems like it is taking FOREVER for me to get to where I need to be.

Bethany and I did some talking today. I hurt my back three weeks ago. When I went to see the chiropractor about it, he told me that I could not workout again until he said it was okay. He very rarely says that to anyone. Well, I had just started to see some real changes in my body and I didn't want to stop working out, so getting this news was not what I wanted to hear. Today, while I was trying to work, Bethany noticed that I was dealing with some stuff.  I didn't want to talk about any of it because I didn't understand the emotions I was dealing with. I am angry. Why? Because I am not allowed to work out. I know, weird!

A couple of months ago, I decided I was ready to take the next step and set a few huge goals. I finally surrendered to the call God has placed on my life and decided to work toward that goal. We will save that topic for another day. Anywho, I was making progress toward those goals and then I tripped over the dog. I have irritated a nerve and have been experiencing a burning sensation down both legs and this is causing the anger and frustration. I know, because I have a history of back issues, that I will have to do what I am told and rest my back. The longer I rest, the better my back will be. I want my back to be better, but I also want to be able to workout with Bethany and actually keep up. So, I am frustrated!

It is funny to me that I was mad about not being able to work out. I commented that I had close to 100 lbs left to reach my goal and I cried. My dear friend said something today that empowered me (she doesn't know this yet). "What did you weigh at your heaviest?" I answered. "What do you weigh now?" I answered. "One hundred pounds is nothing for you."

That's me in the center of this photo. I weighed at least 385 lbs...could have been more.

And this is me between 255 and 260.

One hundred pounds is nothing for me. I can still set goals and do my best to meet them. I can get over this hurdle! I have lost weight and will continue to do so...the difference between the old me and the new me is I believe it now. I am much more confident now than before! I have a Cg story. I am actually a BOLD camper. I struggle. I cry. I sometimes want to give up. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am Cg Strong and keep moving forward. I don't know how long it will take me to meet my goals, but I promise you, it will happen. Jan. 2014 was just the beginning! 

Be blessed an be kind!

How are you?

How are you? We ask this when we greet someone. I typically respond with, I'm blessed. I know that the people asking are not necessarily interested in knowing how I really am. Weird that we do each other this way. Today, I am going to answer this question...

Bethany asked how I was feeling this morning and I asked her if she wanted the physical feelings or the emotional ones. We talked about all of it and went on about our day. When I got home, I started thinking about the how are you question and what my real answer should be. I called Bethany and we discussed what is going in with me.

I am my worst obstacle. I get in my way all of the time. I recognize that I need to work out and I realize that I work for a fitness trainer, but I REALLY struggle, especially when my stress level is high...and it has been since the first of March. I am a mess lately.

Most of you know that I  am a Christian and that I try hard to be faithful. The devil knows how to push my buttons and he knows exactly how to manipulate things in my life to throw me off. Recently, it has been my self esteem that has taken a hit. I over analyze every comment and every action. It doesn't matter who is the source of the comment or action, I over think it. I beat myself up. For example, yesterday, Bethany and I were discussing tasks that needed to be completed. One of the tasks I have been putting off was updating our birthday and cgversaries list. It takes forever to do. I procrastinated and missed the cards for March (if you are reading this and were one of the ones missed, I am sorry.). Bethany said to just pick up with April and made a comment about me dropping the ball. I spent the rest of the day thinking about it and how I had let her and the campers down. I really spent a ton of time thinking about it and worrying that she was mad at me.

How am I? Fact is, I am a hot mess! Scott being home everyday is difficult. Having one vehicle is difficult. Bryan being sick again and missing school is difficult. If that was all I had going on, I think I would be okay, but add all of the adult responsibilities and work responsibilities and you have me...a  hot mess. Guess what I like to do when I am stressed out...yep, eat and be lazy.

Bethany has asked me to workout with her multiple times this week. Every time she asked, I questioned her motives. Why is she asking me to go with her to workout, she knows I am uncomfortable working our with people I barely know? What is she trying to say? Am I not good enough to be her friend if I am like this? All a bunch of garbage. And for the record, I know exactly who I am to her and just what she thinks of me the way I am. I also know she prays for me daily and she constantly speaks life over me. I know the devil is messing with my head. I called her to tell her I noticed that she has asked me multiple times this week to go and that I would go with her tonight and in the morning. She knows that working out will break down walls and make me deal with some of the stress I am trying to work through.

I prefer to be by myself when I am in a funk. I would rather not bother anyone else with my burdens. If I am honest about it, it is hard to be around people and try to keep my garbage from spilling out. I guess folks should be thankful that I avoid telling them how I really am when they ask. In reality, I am blessed. Blessed much more than I deserve. Complaining will not change our circumstances, it will only keep us focused on the trial. I may not be making the progress I had hoped to make, but I am still making progress. This is my journey and it is not always pretty. In fact, sometimes it sucks. All I can do is keep trying to make positive choices and continue to surround myself with people who are truly interested in me being the best me possible.

Thanks for the part you play in my journey! Be blessed!!!

I am a GLADIATOR!

The month of March was not great for me. Seems like there has been one set back after another. There have been more ups and downs than one person should have to endure. I have really struggled this past week. I have made horrible food choices and have had issues getting through my workouts. My emotions are all over the place. The month started with the news that one of my former students was sick. He had someone tell me he wanted me to come see him. I went on a Sunday to see him and he passed away on Tuesday. I was shocked. I was given the opportunity to speak at his memorial. It was one of the most difficult things I ever had to do. Afterwards, I ate for comfort.

It has been really hard for me to accept that this kid is no longer on this earth. My heart is broken because of my loss. Grief is a strange thing. It hits me in waves and some days I make it through and make healthy choices and some days I screw everything up. The emotional part is the worst because I am typically an emotional eater.

We have had car issues (I know, what's new) and my car needed to have some work done so it could be inspected and registered. I met an extremely nice officer from the local P.D. before this could be completed. I had to spend over $100 to get all of that taken care of and have the ticket dismissed. I ate emotionally all Easter weekend. It didn't help that I was sick.

 Monday night, after camp, Scott handed me a slip of paper that was given to him at work that day. He was laid off. Guess what, I ate emotionally. Every day this week has been extremely difficult. My feelings have been on my sleeve and I have just been going through the motions every day.

I guess the bright side to Scott being unemployed is he now has a little time to get some of the projects done around the house. Oh, and there is no way I can eat crap all of the time because we won't be able to afford it.  Now for the tricky part...

I have had a difficult time remembering that I am worth every ounce of effort I put in to being a better version of myself. I am scared that I won't like the healthier person I am trying to become. I am intimidated by the amount of work it will require for me to weigh under 200 pounds. I am angry that my family has to continue to struggle and I forget that I am blessed. I get mad at Bethany for pushing me to be better, even though I asked her to do it.

She and I were able to talk through some things tonight that helped me stop and think about why I need to make better choices. I heard a fire in her voice today that I have never heard before. She was passionate about what she was telling me...a little rough in her approach, but I knew it came from a place deep in her heart. I knew her words were thought out, I knew she had prayed about it. It didn't feel good to hear some of the things she had to say, but she followed it up by telling me she cannot allow me to move backwards anymore, she loves me way too much to let me quit. She said she has been praying that God would make her the friend I need and that she would be strong enough to not let me manipulate her into letting up (I am really bad about trying to do just that...I figure if I am a big enough pain in her behind, she will leave me alone).

Our talk was not easy. We were both very frustrated, but it was a talk we needed to have. She needed to know exactly how I was feeling and where my head was at and I needed to know she wasn't going to give up. She pointed me right back to the feet of Jesus. She does this all of the time. She told me she would continue to love me through all of this, no matter how bad it gets.

So, tomorrow morning I will start over again and try to make it a better day. I will drag my booty out of bed and go to the Saturday workout. I will do my workout and try not to worry about what other people might be thinking. I will tell myself that I am worth the effort. I will remind myself to walk BOLDly in my calling. I will remember that I am a GLADIATOR and that gladiators DO NOT QUIT!

Be blessed!

Accountability

Those of you who know me know that Bethany and I are extremely close. We have a tendency to be a little easier on each other than we would be with anyone else. To say we know how to manipulate each other is an understatement. Last year, I tried this whole follow a meal plan thing. I let her talk me in to it. She was doing it and thought it would be nice for us to do it together. She was WRONG! We were horrible at holding each other accountable. We would have a rough day and before we knew it, we were out stuffing our face.

It took me a long time to decide I was finally ready to try to eat right again. Bethany and I have had many conversations in the past year about me changing my diet. She kept telling me that I would drop weight like crazy if I would just eat right. I knew it would require discipline. I also knew I was going to have to have someone to hold me accountable who was not afraid to keep me on track, even if it meant making me angry. So, who could handle that job? Who would be willing to do and say whatever needed to make sure I stayed on track? It would have to be someone I trusted completely and someone who cared enough about me to forgive me when I was cranky. I was missing an accountability partner. Bethany and I had agreed that we were horrible accountability partners, so I had taken her off of the list.

She and I were standing in her kitchen talking about starting meal plans again and I brought up us holding each other accountable. We are together four days a week, it just made good sense for us to do this together. We agreed that we had to love each other enough to say no when it came to poor food choices. We had to make ourselves available every minute of every day, just in case we had a food emergency. We decided we needed to do this together. We needed to honor the effort that Misti (with Macros by Misti) was making to help us be the best we could be.

We check in with each other everyday. Weight reports, food reports, temptations, struggles...we are taking every step together. It is not easy. I don't always like to admit when I struggle, but she is always gracious. We pray together, we share tips, and we encourage each other. That's what friends are supposed to do.

I want to be someone who lives a life that honors the work Bethany has poured in to me. She doesn't have to push me to be better, she can be okay with who I am. I want to show her and Misti that I can drop the 50 lbs I promised them at Christmas. I want to prove to myself that I really can be successful when it comes to weight loss.

It is not easy. I am just trying to live the best life possible. I am trying to be as transparent as possible when it comes to my journey. If what I go through helps one person overcome an obstacle in their life, my struggle is worth it!

I remember the day I started my fitness journey. I was scared and thought I would never make it. That was over two years ago. I know so many people who doubt their ability and feel like they could never do what I do. I promise, if this is how you feel, you can do anything you set your mind to. Don't give up on the life you dream of. Don't stop believing that you are worth every ounce of effort you put in. You may not be successful every day, but keep going. I believe in you!

Be blessed!

I am an Emotional Eater

For much of my life, food has been a source comfort for me. When I was sad, I would eat. When I was angry, I would eat. Happy, eat. I am sure you get the picture. Eating has always been easier than talking about the emotions I was trying to suppress.

On Sunday morning, I found out that one of my former students was very sick. He asked for me to come see him. My heart broke. I went to see him. I told him how extremely special he was. I asked if he knew Jesus and he said yes! Yesterday, he passed away. I didn't even have a chance to process the fact he was sick and now he is gone.

I need to talk about it and haven't felt like I can. I am thrilled he had accepted Christ and honored that he thought enough of me to want to see me, but my heart is broken. This is the kind of thing that makes me really want to eat crap. I haven't.

To complicate things, talking about this with Bethany causes her pain. It brings up too many things from her past, so I am hesitant to say much. She will be upset with me for not talking about it with her, but hopefully she will understand that this situation is difficult enough. Knowing that this experience adds to her pain breaks my heart.

So, I will put it here and use this as an outlet to keep from getting sidetracked on my meal plan. The fact that I didn't drown my sorrow with chips and salsa is a victory. I am determined to make it through this week without eating to deal with the emotions.

Be blessed.

Cheat Meal.

I made it six whole days on my meal plan. I even managed to join my friend for her daughter's birthday celebration and didn't cheat. Bethany and I planned to have our "cheat meal" together on Sunday. Boy, we went all out! How much would it really change things?

Well, let me tell you about the whole cheat meal business, but first, let me tell you what I ate. We went got pasta. Bethany got there before me and called to see if I wanted an appetizer, we settled on fried calamari. I ended up eating most of it, dipped in marinara sauce and some in ranch dressing. I enjoyed it, or at least I thought I did. I followed that with a salad with ranch dressing, that's not so bad, right? Then I had a pasta sampler. Lasagna, tortellini, and manicotti...mmmm, so good! I ate a little bit of the bread, but not much. The we decided ice cream sounded really good, so we went for it. We left and went to the newest ice cream/donut place and each ordered a sundae. We shared with each other because that's what friends do. We sat and ate ice cream and the first few bite were AMAZING!

All of the sudden, neither of us felt well. We were too full and had eaten too much of the wrong kinds of foods. My body was so confused. I was really sleepy. We talked about how we were feeling and decided that we would NOT be doing that again! I learned a valuable lesson about food on Sunday. I may really like the fat filled food, but it makes me feel gross.

Monday morning I weighed and found out what the cost was for Sunday's food. I gained two pounds. I guess that's not horrible, all things considered. My meal plan has been much easier this week! Be blessed, watch the food you put in your mouth, and remember you are worth the effort.

One Word: LAZY

It has been an interesting week! I have managed to follow my meal plan everyday. I complained and I cried, but I still did it. The key to my success, I think, is that I had support. Bethany and Misti have been awesome!

I cannot honestly say that I wanted to do this. I really enjoy cooking and eating. Cooking is something I am good at (I am not trying to be conceited). It is a skill that I learned at home. Both of my parents are really good cooks. Cooking is therapeutic for me. It is a way that I can work through the stress in my life and the end results are usually pretty good. Cooking is a way for me to bless others. Who doesn't like a good home cooked meal? I guess, by itself, cooking is not the the enemy. Cooking is a necessary task for survival. So the issue has to be the food, right?

The food thing is interesting to think about. The food itself is not bad. It is something we have to have to survive. The real issue, at least for me, is the food choices I make. I LOVE food. I will eat just about anything. The more grease it leaves on the plate, the better I like it (how's that for honest?). Once in a while, this is okay. My issue is I was eating this mess too often. Everything tastes better dipped in batter and fried...that's what society wants us to believe. Hmmm, maybe food is not the issue.

For me, the real reason I am as big as I am is I am lazy. Yes, that's right, I am flat out lazy. As much as I enjoy cooking, I prefer to eat out. My life is crazy busy. It seems like I am always gone. It has been like this for 20 years or better and my waist line sure shows it. It became easier to just grab something on the go. So much faster than me having to grocery shop and cook. My whole family suffered because of this laziness.

So what can I do about it? I can make better choices. My family will eat at home if I eat at home. I will cook healthier meals for us and include fresh fruits and veggies. We can use the money we were eating out with to buy what we need.

Being lazy has taken a toll on my life. It is time for me to be deliberate in the choices I make for myself and in the food options I make available to my family. I am a work in progress, but at least I am moving in the right direction.

Following a meal plan has required me to be disciplined. It has not been easy. I have not enjoyed  everyday, but I have survived. The results are worth the struggle. On Monday (the day I started), I weighed 274 pounds. I weighed again this morning and I weigh 262.2 pounds. That is 11.8 pounds lost in one week. My meal planner (Macros by Misti) has me on a rapid shred plan so that I can drop weight quickly to relieve the pressure from my knees, hip, and back. This will allow me to get back to my workouts in a couple of weeks.

If you are reading this, my prayer for you is that you will benefit from my struggle. I pray that you realize that you are worth every second you put in to being a better version of  yourself. I want you to know it will not always be easy, in fact, some days will really suck. It is going to challenge you and make you cry, but you can do it! How do I know? I know you can because I am finding success. You are amazing, don't forget it!

Be blessed!

Moomart Meltdown and Protein Shakes

Have you ever broke down crying in the grocery store? Have you ever fussed and complained about the lunch you had to eat the next day? Well, I have done both this week.

Bethany and I spend tons of time together. She just recently gave birth to my beautiful God daughter and I think she looks fabulous. We have had so many conversations about our eating habits and what we should do to become the best we can be...most of the time it is just talk. Well, we put our words in to action and started the meal plans prepared for us by Macros by Misti.

For some people, being upset about a change in diet may seem silly, but that is what happened with me. Food addiction is the only addiction you cannot just walk away from. We have to have food to survive, so for folks like me, changing the way I eat is REALLY difficult. So difficult, in fact, that it seems like an impossible task. I broke down and cried in Walmart (My buddy, Landon, calls it Moomart, thus the reason for the title). Yep, I cried like a big ole baby as I was walking through the store gathering the things I would need for my meal plan. Thankfully, Bethany and I were shopping together and she helped me work through the emotions I was dealing with related to the items I saw on the list.

I am not a fan of protein shakes. I had to be on a liquid diet when I had lapband  (I am a lapband  failure). I discovered that I associated the protein shakes with failure. I thought this was really interesting. And then there was the tuna pouches...I like tuna sandwiches just fine, you know, with lots of miracle whip and onions and pickles and a little mustard. This lemon pepper stuff was new to me and in case you haven't figured it out, change is hard for me. I finally made it out of the store and had the task of prepping the food for the week.

On Monday morning, I gathered up most of the food I purchased the day before and headed to Tolar. Bethany wanted us to prep together. She wanted to make the process as easy as possible and she wanted to take away all of my excuses. She didn't want to give me a reason not to follow my meal plan. She is doing this with me.

I weighed (274 lbs), took my measurements (I'll talk about those later), and took photos. Talk about an eye opener...I won't be sharing them with the public. I cried and talked about all of the junk that  brought up and I was told I should be proud that I was brave enough to take those photos. I didn't do this alone. Bethany weighed and took photos too. I was blown away.

I don't see Bethany as needing to "diet". I see a woman who just gave birth and looks amazing, but I see her with my eyes and not hers. She explained that she needed to do this with me 1) so she could get her pre-baby body back and 2) so we wouldn't have to do it alone.

I survived the tuna and she survived the sandwich with Dijon mustard. We have struggled and we have had success. We have wanted to quit, but we have kept going!

I have lost weight, a whole 7 pounds and I have overcome some major obstacles this week...including the tuna and the shake. I know God has plans to use me in the fitness industry as more than just a trainer's personal assistant. I have to do my part and battle through this stage in my life so that God can use me to change the lives of people like me.

I may not look like I belong behind the table at camp or that I work for a fitness trainer, but you can't see the work God is doing. You are not fully aware of the call He has placed on my life and you may not be able to see how He has linked me and Bethany (and the other trainers I know). I can see most of it and I know Bethany sees it. Keep your eyes open and watch as God transforms me into the servant He desires me to be!

Be blessed!

Change is coming!

One of the many things I think about now is how others see me. Working for a fitness trainer has some interesting aspects to it. One of the biggest being the look I get when someone asks me what I do. I don't really look the part. What people do not see are my before pictures. They don't know that person I was in January 2014 when I attended my first boot camp. They see me and they don't know I used to weigh around 385.

I have been really praying for God to reveal His purpose for me and He has been faithful to reveal part of His plan. I have had a few deep conversations with Bethany about what I feel like God is telling me. She is always so insightful. I think God tells her long before He tells me because He knows I will need someone to speak life and truth over the situation...and boy, does she obey!

Fact is, I don't pass the eyeball test. Like it or not, people form opinions about us based on what they see and when someone new sees me, they do not see a trainer's assistant. Now, before you go getting all over me, I am not beating myself up or trying to put myself down, I am simply processing my thoughts about this job I have.

We have one chance to make a first impression. I am supposed to represent my employer well, right? I should be a product of the product she offers, right? When someone comes to the check in table or to a function, they shouldn't be confused, right? RIGHT. I really love what I do. I am honored to be trusted with the tasks I have been given. I am a product of the product and I believe I play a significant role in the lives of the people we work with, but I need to get serious!

I have had more than one person tell me that I inspire them. Some people had shared with me that the reason they are at camp is because they know I understand and that if I can do it, they can too. This is all well and good, but it also comes with a great deal of responsibility. If folks are going to look to me to set the example, I have to get my butt in gear and meet my goals. The first one is weight related (and the only one we will discuss right now).

Weight related, WHAT??? I say all of the time that success is not measured on the scale and I sincerely believe it. I rarely weigh myself, maybe once every three weeks or so. So why in the world would I have a weight loss goal? Well, I work in the fitness industry. My goal is to get to a much healthier weight. What that will look like depends on how I look as I loose weight. If I am healthy at a weight that is between 165 and 185, then I will be happy there. In case you are wondering, that require me to drop between 80 to 100 pounds. That is a HUGE goal (no pun intended), but it is something that is possible if I eat right and exercise.

Passing the eyeball test honors the effort that Bethany and Misti put in to being my trainers. It shows them that I understand the role I play. It honors God because it lays a foundation for Him to use me to change others. AND it honors the people who have said I inspire them because it shows them I am serious about what I do.

It will not be easy and I will not pretend that I am going to like changing my diet, but it will be worth the effort. By the time I reach this goal I will have potentially lost over 200 pounds...and that will be an amazing testimony to God and to the people who believe it is possible. It will also open doors to the other things that I know God has called me to do. 2016 will be a year of CHANGE for me. Sit back and watch what my God can do! Be blessed and be healthy!

I am a SLACKER

Words are powerful and they stir up many emotions. They can build you up or break you down. The past year was full of highs and lows for me. I have spent a good amount of time hurting because of the years of abuse I have inflicted on my body. I hurt myself at the end of October and Misti, my trainer, told me she wanted me to completely rest. She said I could come to camp and hang out, but she did not want me doing anything until my body was healed. Sounds reasonable, right?

I did well for a few days and then my life felt like it was out of control. Several things happened in November and December that increased my stress level. Instead of getting back to my workouts, I made excuses and tried hard to shut everyone out. I sat in the same spot on the couch watching TV and used food for comfort. Anyone who eats for emotional reasons knows that eating for comfort only works for a little while. I tend to feel really guilty about it. After many LONG conversations with Bethany, I finally decided it was time to suck it up and get my backside back to camp. She and I also talked about me finding a buddy at camp...you know, someone who will push me and who is closer to my fitness level than she is (for the record, she is willing to be my buddy, I just realize that she and I are miles apart physically and I want her to get the best workout she can). I prayed about it and decided that I would work out with Kim.

Kim and I met on her first day of Cg. I was asked to come to camp to workout with her because she and I have similar injuries and the trainer wanted her to see that she could do a Cg workout. I have said over and over that if I can do Cg, anyone can. I spoke to Kim at the end of December and explained a little about my journey and what I needed from her. She agreed to be my buddy and we were all set.

In the days following my conversation with Kim, we spoke a couple more times. She asked when I was going to get to a workout and I told her I would go back when the new camp started in January. She called me a slacker. It upset me, but I didn't say anything. The January camp started and I showed up for my workout right as it was starting. She said something about me running behind and when I responded, she called me a slacker. She had no clue that I had spent the drive to camp talking with Bethany on the phone because I didn't want to go to camp. I was scared. Kim had no idea the emotion one word would have. I struggled through that workout and headed home.

On the way home, I called Bethany and cried a little more. We talked about the workout and made our work plans for the next day. She told me she was proud of me for pushing through the emotion and staying at camp.

The next morning, I showed up at Bethany's house for work and we began talking about me being called a slacker. She looked me right in the eyes and said, "You know why that is bothering you so much, right?" She explained that I had been making excuses for a couple of months and that I was offended because I felt guilty. She said I was a slacker (she and I will tell a different version of this).

Ouch! It took a minute for me to realize that she was right. I wasn't mad about hearing it this time. Bethany has a way of speaking truth over me and sometimes this truth is not easy to hear, but it is necessary. We talked through all of the garbage I had been dealing with and I discovered that I used all of it as an excuse to get out of my workouts. Why? I will explain.

Working out hurts. It hurts my back, my shoulder, my knees, and sometimes my feelings. Working out causes me to deal with things that are bothering me, it makes me cry. Working out makes me vulnerable to the people around me and requires that I trust some of them (this is especially hard since I have had people I trust hurt me). I used all of the mess in my life as an excuse to avoid the people who care about me. I ate instead of working out and I gained about 20 pounds. Truth is, I am a slacker. It happened all of the sudden. So what now?

My goal, in the next two months, is to work back up to four workouts a week. I am going to make better food choices and talk through the things that cause me stress instead of trying to eat my way through it. AND I will blog because it helps me get the emotions out.

Working out sucks and it is hard, but I AM WORTH THE EFFORT!