How are you?

How are you? We ask this when we greet someone. I typically respond with, I'm blessed. I know that the people asking are not necessarily interested in knowing how I really am. Weird that we do each other this way. Today, I am going to answer this question...

Bethany asked how I was feeling this morning and I asked her if she wanted the physical feelings or the emotional ones. We talked about all of it and went on about our day. When I got home, I started thinking about the how are you question and what my real answer should be. I called Bethany and we discussed what is going in with me.

I am my worst obstacle. I get in my way all of the time. I recognize that I need to work out and I realize that I work for a fitness trainer, but I REALLY struggle, especially when my stress level is high...and it has been since the first of March. I am a mess lately.

Most of you know that I  am a Christian and that I try hard to be faithful. The devil knows how to push my buttons and he knows exactly how to manipulate things in my life to throw me off. Recently, it has been my self esteem that has taken a hit. I over analyze every comment and every action. It doesn't matter who is the source of the comment or action, I over think it. I beat myself up. For example, yesterday, Bethany and I were discussing tasks that needed to be completed. One of the tasks I have been putting off was updating our birthday and cgversaries list. It takes forever to do. I procrastinated and missed the cards for March (if you are reading this and were one of the ones missed, I am sorry.). Bethany said to just pick up with April and made a comment about me dropping the ball. I spent the rest of the day thinking about it and how I had let her and the campers down. I really spent a ton of time thinking about it and worrying that she was mad at me.

How am I? Fact is, I am a hot mess! Scott being home everyday is difficult. Having one vehicle is difficult. Bryan being sick again and missing school is difficult. If that was all I had going on, I think I would be okay, but add all of the adult responsibilities and work responsibilities and you have me...a  hot mess. Guess what I like to do when I am stressed out...yep, eat and be lazy.

Bethany has asked me to workout with her multiple times this week. Every time she asked, I questioned her motives. Why is she asking me to go with her to workout, she knows I am uncomfortable working our with people I barely know? What is she trying to say? Am I not good enough to be her friend if I am like this? All a bunch of garbage. And for the record, I know exactly who I am to her and just what she thinks of me the way I am. I also know she prays for me daily and she constantly speaks life over me. I know the devil is messing with my head. I called her to tell her I noticed that she has asked me multiple times this week to go and that I would go with her tonight and in the morning. She knows that working out will break down walls and make me deal with some of the stress I am trying to work through.

I prefer to be by myself when I am in a funk. I would rather not bother anyone else with my burdens. If I am honest about it, it is hard to be around people and try to keep my garbage from spilling out. I guess folks should be thankful that I avoid telling them how I really am when they ask. In reality, I am blessed. Blessed much more than I deserve. Complaining will not change our circumstances, it will only keep us focused on the trial. I may not be making the progress I had hoped to make, but I am still making progress. This is my journey and it is not always pretty. In fact, sometimes it sucks. All I can do is keep trying to make positive choices and continue to surround myself with people who are truly interested in me being the best me possible.

Thanks for the part you play in my journey! Be blessed!!!