How are you?

How are you? We ask this when we greet someone. I typically respond with, I'm blessed. I know that the people asking are not necessarily interested in knowing how I really am. Weird that we do each other this way. Today, I am going to answer this question...

Bethany asked how I was feeling this morning and I asked her if she wanted the physical feelings or the emotional ones. We talked about all of it and went on about our day. When I got home, I started thinking about the how are you question and what my real answer should be. I called Bethany and we discussed what is going in with me.

I am my worst obstacle. I get in my way all of the time. I recognize that I need to work out and I realize that I work for a fitness trainer, but I REALLY struggle, especially when my stress level is high...and it has been since the first of March. I am a mess lately.

Most of you know that I  am a Christian and that I try hard to be faithful. The devil knows how to push my buttons and he knows exactly how to manipulate things in my life to throw me off. Recently, it has been my self esteem that has taken a hit. I over analyze every comment and every action. It doesn't matter who is the source of the comment or action, I over think it. I beat myself up. For example, yesterday, Bethany and I were discussing tasks that needed to be completed. One of the tasks I have been putting off was updating our birthday and cgversaries list. It takes forever to do. I procrastinated and missed the cards for March (if you are reading this and were one of the ones missed, I am sorry.). Bethany said to just pick up with April and made a comment about me dropping the ball. I spent the rest of the day thinking about it and how I had let her and the campers down. I really spent a ton of time thinking about it and worrying that she was mad at me.

How am I? Fact is, I am a hot mess! Scott being home everyday is difficult. Having one vehicle is difficult. Bryan being sick again and missing school is difficult. If that was all I had going on, I think I would be okay, but add all of the adult responsibilities and work responsibilities and you have me...a  hot mess. Guess what I like to do when I am stressed out...yep, eat and be lazy.

Bethany has asked me to workout with her multiple times this week. Every time she asked, I questioned her motives. Why is she asking me to go with her to workout, she knows I am uncomfortable working our with people I barely know? What is she trying to say? Am I not good enough to be her friend if I am like this? All a bunch of garbage. And for the record, I know exactly who I am to her and just what she thinks of me the way I am. I also know she prays for me daily and she constantly speaks life over me. I know the devil is messing with my head. I called her to tell her I noticed that she has asked me multiple times this week to go and that I would go with her tonight and in the morning. She knows that working out will break down walls and make me deal with some of the stress I am trying to work through.

I prefer to be by myself when I am in a funk. I would rather not bother anyone else with my burdens. If I am honest about it, it is hard to be around people and try to keep my garbage from spilling out. I guess folks should be thankful that I avoid telling them how I really am when they ask. In reality, I am blessed. Blessed much more than I deserve. Complaining will not change our circumstances, it will only keep us focused on the trial. I may not be making the progress I had hoped to make, but I am still making progress. This is my journey and it is not always pretty. In fact, sometimes it sucks. All I can do is keep trying to make positive choices and continue to surround myself with people who are truly interested in me being the best me possible.

Thanks for the part you play in my journey! Be blessed!!!

I am a GLADIATOR!

The month of March was not great for me. Seems like there has been one set back after another. There have been more ups and downs than one person should have to endure. I have really struggled this past week. I have made horrible food choices and have had issues getting through my workouts. My emotions are all over the place. The month started with the news that one of my former students was sick. He had someone tell me he wanted me to come see him. I went on a Sunday to see him and he passed away on Tuesday. I was shocked. I was given the opportunity to speak at his memorial. It was one of the most difficult things I ever had to do. Afterwards, I ate for comfort.

It has been really hard for me to accept that this kid is no longer on this earth. My heart is broken because of my loss. Grief is a strange thing. It hits me in waves and some days I make it through and make healthy choices and some days I screw everything up. The emotional part is the worst because I am typically an emotional eater.

We have had car issues (I know, what's new) and my car needed to have some work done so it could be inspected and registered. I met an extremely nice officer from the local P.D. before this could be completed. I had to spend over $100 to get all of that taken care of and have the ticket dismissed. I ate emotionally all Easter weekend. It didn't help that I was sick.

 Monday night, after camp, Scott handed me a slip of paper that was given to him at work that day. He was laid off. Guess what, I ate emotionally. Every day this week has been extremely difficult. My feelings have been on my sleeve and I have just been going through the motions every day.

I guess the bright side to Scott being unemployed is he now has a little time to get some of the projects done around the house. Oh, and there is no way I can eat crap all of the time because we won't be able to afford it.  Now for the tricky part...

I have had a difficult time remembering that I am worth every ounce of effort I put in to being a better version of myself. I am scared that I won't like the healthier person I am trying to become. I am intimidated by the amount of work it will require for me to weigh under 200 pounds. I am angry that my family has to continue to struggle and I forget that I am blessed. I get mad at Bethany for pushing me to be better, even though I asked her to do it.

She and I were able to talk through some things tonight that helped me stop and think about why I need to make better choices. I heard a fire in her voice today that I have never heard before. She was passionate about what she was telling me...a little rough in her approach, but I knew it came from a place deep in her heart. I knew her words were thought out, I knew she had prayed about it. It didn't feel good to hear some of the things she had to say, but she followed it up by telling me she cannot allow me to move backwards anymore, she loves me way too much to let me quit. She said she has been praying that God would make her the friend I need and that she would be strong enough to not let me manipulate her into letting up (I am really bad about trying to do just that...I figure if I am a big enough pain in her behind, she will leave me alone).

Our talk was not easy. We were both very frustrated, but it was a talk we needed to have. She needed to know exactly how I was feeling and where my head was at and I needed to know she wasn't going to give up. She pointed me right back to the feet of Jesus. She does this all of the time. She told me she would continue to love me through all of this, no matter how bad it gets.

So, tomorrow morning I will start over again and try to make it a better day. I will drag my booty out of bed and go to the Saturday workout. I will do my workout and try not to worry about what other people might be thinking. I will tell myself that I am worth the effort. I will remind myself to walk BOLDly in my calling. I will remember that I am a GLADIATOR and that gladiators DO NOT QUIT!

Be blessed!