Dealing with depression

Depression sucks! It is something that I have struggled with for several years. Sometimes it is really hard for me to make myself go out of my house. This last month has been rough. One of our cars broke down and I lost my mom on August 3 and have really struggled to just function. Everyday feels the same. Wake up, get dressed, and go pretend that I am okay. People need me to be okay.

In reality, I am a hot mess. I go through the motions, but I would rather stay home. I am depressed. Something that many of us deal with. My depression comes with OCD and panic/anxiety disorder. I really have struggled, but I have great friends. I have the kind of friends who encourage me to talk through what I am feeling. They allow me to feel the emotions I am feeling and they do not invalidate them. They encourage me to workout (even though I have really sucked it up in this area). They tell me they love me and they pray for me.

Most of the time when someone asks me how I am, I say I am blessed. This past week I saw one of my Cg friends and she asked how I was and I said I was okay. She looked at me and said that is not what I normally say so I told her I was blessed. I have thought about this conversation everyday since it happened. What I realized is that even when life is hard, I am BLESSED.

Depression clouds my ability to see myself as worthy. It causes me to doubt the intentions of the friends I mentioned above. I struggle to make positive choices. I isolate myself from people. I avoid social situations. I get up and go to work because I have to. So, what should I do. For me, I have sought treatment for my symptoms. I have a plan in place to get back to my workout routine. I allow myself to grieve my mother's death. My friends continue to pray for me.

Depression does not have to rule my life. I am worth the effort it will take to overcome my depression. You are worth it too!

Be blessed and be kind!

Just don't do it

Getting fit has not been an easy task. I can't tell you how many times I have heard my trainers say that eating enough food is important. I thought they were crazy until I saw one person after another eat their macros, drop weight, and gain muscle. We have been trained to think we need to barely eat in order to lose weight, or better still, we need to have some sort of bariatric surgery to lose weight.

I have said before, we live in a right now society...we want everything to be quick. We want our food fast and want to drop weight faster. Well folks, there is no shortcut to being fit. I am proof that bariatric surgery is not the answer. In the summer of 2008, I had lapband surgery. I weighed around 400 pounds and was desperate to drop some weight. It was great until the money for fills ran out and the complications started. I got down to 220 pounds. That's awesome, right? Wrong. I lost weight quickly, but discovered a few things in the process. 1) I thought lapband would fix my poor eating habits. It didn't, they became worse.  2) I thought lapband would make me a happier person. It didn't, I was still miserable. 3) I thought lapband would make me lose weight. It didn't, I gained back all of the weight I lost as soon as I was no longer able pay the $150 to have the stupid thing filled.

You might say, it wasn't the quick fix I had hoped for, in fact, the complications I have had make me pretty miserable. I cannot eat, most of the time , without throwing up or burping continuously. I have acid reflux nearly every night. I cannot drink anything before going to bed, because when I lay down, it comes right back out. It is so bad that sometimes I panic because I feel like I am going to drown.

My weight loss has hit a plateau because I will not eat. I will not eat because I don't want to throw up. My body is in starvation mode and I have lost muscle mass. I am miserable. The hopes I had in 2008 are crushed. I was promised that I would be able to get down to about 165 pounds because I had this procedure. It didn't happen. I was promised that I would be able to keep the weight off because I had this procedure. I did not.

There may be someone out there who will see this that is thinking about taking a short cut and having some sort of weight loss surgery. Just don't do it. There is not a quick fix for being fat. YOU have to take the steps necessary to get moving and make sure you are eating enough. Having surgery does NOT fix your emotional relationship with food and the surgery (in my opinion) makes it worse.

I am taking the necessary steps to meet my weight loss/fitness goals. I started that, in 2014, when I joined Camp Gladiator and began to loose weight. I can tell you that the 130 pounds that I have lost at Cg will not come back. I have worked hard to get them off. I am also scheduled for a consultation to have the lapband removed (I'll post about that when I have more information). I have surrounded myself with fit people. People who love me and support my crazy goals. People who will rally around me and help me keep my focus. People who will call me out, when necessary, and hold me accountable. I didn't have many friends like this in 2008.

You can have a support system too. Seek out people who will support your fitness goals. Shoot, grab a buddy and find a workout. Get up off the couch and go for a walk, but PLEASE, do not try to take the easy way out. You are worth the effort it will take to drop the weight without surgery...wish I would have had someone tell me that in 2008.

Be blessed and be kind!

Not what I thought I would do.

When I was a little girl, I would sit on the front porch and daydream about what it was going to be like to be grown up. I would sit there for hours and think about the places I wanted to visit and the people I would meet. I even thought about the type of work I would do. I knew at a very young age that I would be a school teacher. I just knew being an adult was going to be so cool and it had to be way better than being a kid. I laugh about it now, because here I am at 45 thinking about how fun it was to be a kid.

For those of you who do not know, I spent 16 years in an air conditioned classroom. I taught. Most years, I would say, I was good at it. I loved working with kids. During this time, I worked with hundreds of children and prayed that I would do a good job. Kids would come and go every year and I would wonder if I had really made a difference. The invention of social media brought many of these kids back in to my life. It is always nice to get random messages from them telling me they were thinking of me and how much they enjoyed my class. I made a difference.

Leaving the classroom was very difficult for me. I had never even considered doing anything else. It was all I had known for a majority of my adult life. When I volunteered to work for my friend in December of 2014, I did it because she needed help. I had no intention of doing it long term. She needed help with the behind the scenes part of her job. You know, the kind of "paperwork" type things that have to be done, keeping up with dates, making lists...the things I really didn't like about school teaching, but I was good at it because it had to be done. I just never saw myself as a fitness trainer's assistant. I have laughed more than once at the fact that I work in the fitness industry.

I have had to overcome so many obstacles along the way. The biggest being the way I look at myself. I really struggle to see myself the way others see me. I know I have changed a great deal in the short time I have been doing this job, but because of my experiences I still sometimes see myself as an almost 400 pound woman. This is something that I pray about on a regular basis. Not only that, but there are people in my life who remind me regularly that I am not that person anymore.

I would be the first person to encourage someone to not give up. I would tell someone else to focus on the small successes they are seeing at camp...you know, things like running 3/4 of the warmup lap with out stopping or moving from 5 lb weights up to 8s. I will tell someone else to stay out of their head and keep pushing. I know what I am supposed to do and it is easy to encourage others to do these things. Truth is, this get fit thing is really hard for me. I have tried hard to surround myself with positive people who will encourage me and, if need be, show me tough love. I have learned a lot about myself and who I can trust since starting this fitness journey in 2014. There are people who I no longer allow close to me because they made it clear that I could not trust them. There are people who have become like family to me, people I trust with my life, who have shown that they are invested in me and can be trusted.

I have spent a good bit of time trying to get my body to cooperate with me. I'll get hurt at camp and then have to allow my body to heal. I have been seeing a doctor for these issues and after being down with a bad shoulder for 1 1/2 years, I was finally able to bear crawl again. It felt good!

It is not going to be easy everyday, but I have to continue to set small, short term goals and strive to meet them. I have to continue to be transparent about this journey and allow myself to feel the emotion associated with it. I must continue to give God the glory for the changes in my life. I have to keep making progress because there is another person in this world who needs to see that anyone can do this. I will not quit. I will become the person Bethany says she can see.

Be blessed!

How many hours?

Two and a half years is a long time to stick with something...at least it is for me (unless we are talking about a job, of course). One hundred ninety-nine hours as of today, tomorrow will make 200. For those of you who are on the journey with me, you may have already figured out that I am talking about checking in at camp to work out. I started this journey two and a half years ago and I am just now getting checkin number 200. I never thought my body would make it through that many workouts. To be honest, it sometimes didn't, but I always tried.

So, why is this significant enough for me to blog about it? Some of you may think 200 workouts is not a big deal, especially in 2.5 years. I am okay with people thinking that because this process is easy for them. This journey has been one of the most difficult things I have ever tried to do. I have wanted to quit more times than I can remember. I have been frustrated and discouraged many times. All of this is really okay. As Destiny would remind me, I am allowed to feel my feelings. Just because I feel it, doesn't mean someone will agree with me. The thing that is significant is I have not quit.

During my 2.5 years, I have encountered hundreds of people. I have had to branch out and try new trainers (this is still very hard for me). I have had to trust people and let them get close enough to me to speak truth over my life. I have had to make myself vulnerable and I have had to be transparent about the process. A few times, I have cried and I have even puked.

I realized today, I have done something that the old me would have considered impossible. I would have laughed in your face if you would have told me I was going to spend 200 hours exercising. Two hundred hours seems like a really long time. It is 8.33333333 days. That is time I have invested in myself. Better than that, it is time that other people have invested in me. This journey, has been interesting.

Most of my 200 hours have been with the same trainer, but not all of them. I think about the first conversation I had with Bethany that was not related to my son being in her class and think how different my life would be if it had not happened. I think about everything that happened between the day I met her (August 5, 2013) and the day we talked (January 14, 2014). I think about the first workout and how intimidating it was to walk up to a group of people I did not know (I weighed well over 300 pounds). I remember crying all the way home. I remember the conversation I had with Bethany the next day at work. Her words that day flipped a switch in my brain that has improved the quality of my life. Her passion for fitness and her love for people saved me!

Has this been easy? Uh, no! Is it about me? It probably should be 100% about me, but it is not. It is about people who are like I used to be. People who need someone to believe in then so strongly that the chains holding them break and set them free. It is about every person who has ever thought they didn't measure up. It is for people who do not like who they see in the mirror. It's also for the people who have invested their lives in the fitness industry. Those trainers who see past the exterior and see the athlete hiding inside. I will continue this journey...one check in at a time. I will invest in myself so that my life and my journey impacts as many people as possible. And while we are talking about the number 200, that is what I want to lose...in 2008, I weighed nearly 400 pounds. We will say 385 (that is the last weight I remember). I want to push until I weigh 185. I have 83 pounds to go.

You are capable of great things, you just have to get up and do them! Be blessed and be kind.

That makes me MAD!

This journey has been full of ups and downs. I guess that is just how life goes sometimes. When I started this whole get fit thing, I thought that I would meet my goals faster than it is happening. It seems like it is taking FOREVER for me to get to where I need to be.

Bethany and I did some talking today. I hurt my back three weeks ago. When I went to see the chiropractor about it, he told me that I could not workout again until he said it was okay. He very rarely says that to anyone. Well, I had just started to see some real changes in my body and I didn't want to stop working out, so getting this news was not what I wanted to hear. Today, while I was trying to work, Bethany noticed that I was dealing with some stuff.  I didn't want to talk about any of it because I didn't understand the emotions I was dealing with. I am angry. Why? Because I am not allowed to work out. I know, weird!

A couple of months ago, I decided I was ready to take the next step and set a few huge goals. I finally surrendered to the call God has placed on my life and decided to work toward that goal. We will save that topic for another day. Anywho, I was making progress toward those goals and then I tripped over the dog. I have irritated a nerve and have been experiencing a burning sensation down both legs and this is causing the anger and frustration. I know, because I have a history of back issues, that I will have to do what I am told and rest my back. The longer I rest, the better my back will be. I want my back to be better, but I also want to be able to workout with Bethany and actually keep up. So, I am frustrated!

It is funny to me that I was mad about not being able to work out. I commented that I had close to 100 lbs left to reach my goal and I cried. My dear friend said something today that empowered me (she doesn't know this yet). "What did you weigh at your heaviest?" I answered. "What do you weigh now?" I answered. "One hundred pounds is nothing for you."

That's me in the center of this photo. I weighed at least 385 lbs...could have been more.

And this is me between 255 and 260.

One hundred pounds is nothing for me. I can still set goals and do my best to meet them. I can get over this hurdle! I have lost weight and will continue to do so...the difference between the old me and the new me is I believe it now. I am much more confident now than before! I have a Cg story. I am actually a BOLD camper. I struggle. I cry. I sometimes want to give up. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am Cg Strong and keep moving forward. I don't know how long it will take me to meet my goals, but I promise you, it will happen. Jan. 2014 was just the beginning! 

Be blessed an be kind!

How are you?

How are you? We ask this when we greet someone. I typically respond with, I'm blessed. I know that the people asking are not necessarily interested in knowing how I really am. Weird that we do each other this way. Today, I am going to answer this question...

Bethany asked how I was feeling this morning and I asked her if she wanted the physical feelings or the emotional ones. We talked about all of it and went on about our day. When I got home, I started thinking about the how are you question and what my real answer should be. I called Bethany and we discussed what is going in with me.

I am my worst obstacle. I get in my way all of the time. I recognize that I need to work out and I realize that I work for a fitness trainer, but I REALLY struggle, especially when my stress level is high...and it has been since the first of March. I am a mess lately.

Most of you know that I  am a Christian and that I try hard to be faithful. The devil knows how to push my buttons and he knows exactly how to manipulate things in my life to throw me off. Recently, it has been my self esteem that has taken a hit. I over analyze every comment and every action. It doesn't matter who is the source of the comment or action, I over think it. I beat myself up. For example, yesterday, Bethany and I were discussing tasks that needed to be completed. One of the tasks I have been putting off was updating our birthday and cgversaries list. It takes forever to do. I procrastinated and missed the cards for March (if you are reading this and were one of the ones missed, I am sorry.). Bethany said to just pick up with April and made a comment about me dropping the ball. I spent the rest of the day thinking about it and how I had let her and the campers down. I really spent a ton of time thinking about it and worrying that she was mad at me.

How am I? Fact is, I am a hot mess! Scott being home everyday is difficult. Having one vehicle is difficult. Bryan being sick again and missing school is difficult. If that was all I had going on, I think I would be okay, but add all of the adult responsibilities and work responsibilities and you have me...a  hot mess. Guess what I like to do when I am stressed out...yep, eat and be lazy.

Bethany has asked me to workout with her multiple times this week. Every time she asked, I questioned her motives. Why is she asking me to go with her to workout, she knows I am uncomfortable working our with people I barely know? What is she trying to say? Am I not good enough to be her friend if I am like this? All a bunch of garbage. And for the record, I know exactly who I am to her and just what she thinks of me the way I am. I also know she prays for me daily and she constantly speaks life over me. I know the devil is messing with my head. I called her to tell her I noticed that she has asked me multiple times this week to go and that I would go with her tonight and in the morning. She knows that working out will break down walls and make me deal with some of the stress I am trying to work through.

I prefer to be by myself when I am in a funk. I would rather not bother anyone else with my burdens. If I am honest about it, it is hard to be around people and try to keep my garbage from spilling out. I guess folks should be thankful that I avoid telling them how I really am when they ask. In reality, I am blessed. Blessed much more than I deserve. Complaining will not change our circumstances, it will only keep us focused on the trial. I may not be making the progress I had hoped to make, but I am still making progress. This is my journey and it is not always pretty. In fact, sometimes it sucks. All I can do is keep trying to make positive choices and continue to surround myself with people who are truly interested in me being the best me possible.

Thanks for the part you play in my journey! Be blessed!!!

I am a GLADIATOR!

The month of March was not great for me. Seems like there has been one set back after another. There have been more ups and downs than one person should have to endure. I have really struggled this past week. I have made horrible food choices and have had issues getting through my workouts. My emotions are all over the place. The month started with the news that one of my former students was sick. He had someone tell me he wanted me to come see him. I went on a Sunday to see him and he passed away on Tuesday. I was shocked. I was given the opportunity to speak at his memorial. It was one of the most difficult things I ever had to do. Afterwards, I ate for comfort.

It has been really hard for me to accept that this kid is no longer on this earth. My heart is broken because of my loss. Grief is a strange thing. It hits me in waves and some days I make it through and make healthy choices and some days I screw everything up. The emotional part is the worst because I am typically an emotional eater.

We have had car issues (I know, what's new) and my car needed to have some work done so it could be inspected and registered. I met an extremely nice officer from the local P.D. before this could be completed. I had to spend over $100 to get all of that taken care of and have the ticket dismissed. I ate emotionally all Easter weekend. It didn't help that I was sick.

 Monday night, after camp, Scott handed me a slip of paper that was given to him at work that day. He was laid off. Guess what, I ate emotionally. Every day this week has been extremely difficult. My feelings have been on my sleeve and I have just been going through the motions every day.

I guess the bright side to Scott being unemployed is he now has a little time to get some of the projects done around the house. Oh, and there is no way I can eat crap all of the time because we won't be able to afford it.  Now for the tricky part...

I have had a difficult time remembering that I am worth every ounce of effort I put in to being a better version of myself. I am scared that I won't like the healthier person I am trying to become. I am intimidated by the amount of work it will require for me to weigh under 200 pounds. I am angry that my family has to continue to struggle and I forget that I am blessed. I get mad at Bethany for pushing me to be better, even though I asked her to do it.

She and I were able to talk through some things tonight that helped me stop and think about why I need to make better choices. I heard a fire in her voice today that I have never heard before. She was passionate about what she was telling me...a little rough in her approach, but I knew it came from a place deep in her heart. I knew her words were thought out, I knew she had prayed about it. It didn't feel good to hear some of the things she had to say, but she followed it up by telling me she cannot allow me to move backwards anymore, she loves me way too much to let me quit. She said she has been praying that God would make her the friend I need and that she would be strong enough to not let me manipulate her into letting up (I am really bad about trying to do just that...I figure if I am a big enough pain in her behind, she will leave me alone).

Our talk was not easy. We were both very frustrated, but it was a talk we needed to have. She needed to know exactly how I was feeling and where my head was at and I needed to know she wasn't going to give up. She pointed me right back to the feet of Jesus. She does this all of the time. She told me she would continue to love me through all of this, no matter how bad it gets.

So, tomorrow morning I will start over again and try to make it a better day. I will drag my booty out of bed and go to the Saturday workout. I will do my workout and try not to worry about what other people might be thinking. I will tell myself that I am worth the effort. I will remind myself to walk BOLDly in my calling. I will remember that I am a GLADIATOR and that gladiators DO NOT QUIT!

Be blessed!